Category Archives: Love

everything is NOT my fault.

First of all – welcome back to my blog! 🙂

I know it’s been a long time… and hopefully that’s going to change. You can’t say I didn’t warn you in the beginning… I’m not very good at this blogging thing. Round 2 blogging… go.

If you want the short version – I’m still alive (yay!), I’m still raising Winright, and I’m still fat. Yep. You heard it here. I didn’t get skinny for my best friend’s wedding. I swear, I WILL BE SKINNY AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE. Well, maybe not skinny… but less bootylicious than I am now.

I am working out though. Dieting really doesn’t work for me in the long term, so maybe this whole “let’s workout and try not to eat cupcakes every day” will work. Even if it is only one pound a week…I should be down to my goal week in about a year 🙂

In other news, I am venturing into new territory… single territory. Yep. You heard it. No more bullshit boyfriend.

That relationship was way more work than reward, therefore, it had to end. It was pretty much doomed from the start, but let’s not get into that.

Let me just say that… LADIES – or hell, even you MEN – if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, get out. Get out now. Stop letting them break you down, because when you finally do get out, you’ll barely recognize yourself. It’s like I’ve woken up and I can finally see what was happening all along.

Things my friends and family have been telling me for years months. All the signs were on the wall. And even I knew it long ago. I’d end things and then SOMEHOW, SOME WAY I would be manipulated into thinking everything was the way it was because of me – and guess what – it wasn’t.

I’m not perfect. Don’t we grow up knowing that? Yet I have been told that OVER AND OVER for nearly two years now. It gets old. It gets old never feeling good enough. It gets old being screamed at. It gets old being screamed at then told, “well, if you weren’t such a bitch so dumb, I wouldn’t yell.”

It’s finally like, HELLO – you’re the reason I’m such a bitch!

I’m ready to move on with my life. If I wind up alone, so be it.

I don’t hate him or wish bad things upon him. He’s a good person – a funny person. He will do about anything for a stranger. But watch out if you’re dating him.

After all, I have Winright, and that’s my #1 priority. That’s someone that I refuse to screw up with this toxic relationship any longer.

I know there’s a genuine tall handsome redhead man out there waiting for me, and damn it, I’m going for him.

That’s real talk, ya’ll.
Don’t judge me.

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Valentine’s Day (& other personal hells)

Oh Valentine’s Day. Lovely, lovely Valentine’s Day. I love love, and I love the idea of a day celebrating love. Therefore, I must love Valentine’s Day. Do I sound convinced yet?

This year’s Valentine’s Day was all planned out, I bought a gift for Mr. L and a gift for my manfriend. I had dinner all planned out. I had it alllllll planned out. I even wore pink and red and everything! I should know better than to ever make plans. They usually blow up in my face.

My downhill spiral started on Wednesday Valentine’s Eve. My house was a di-sas-ter. All caps. DISASTER. As it is most Wednesdays. {side note: I work late on Monday and Tuesday, so basically I do nothing when I come home – oh, except make dinner and give my child a bath and play cars and read 50 books before putting him to bed}

I had laundry everywhere, all rooms needed swept, bathroom needed wiped down, etc. So anyhow, my usual course of action is to do it all on Wednesday. After all, it is hump day and I feel motivated because only two. more. days. until Friday! HOLLA!
Not this week. I took it upon myself to make dinner, play with Mr. L, and then after putting him to bed – I plopped my big ol’ booty down and vegged out on Pretty Little Liars. Then I went to bed.

I swear, that manfriend and I watched movies until 3 a.m. one night this past weekend and I am still paying for it! No more late night movie nights. Never again. Long gone are the days when I could stay up all night and actually function the next day.

So by not cleaning my house on Wednesday, I was stressed as soon as I woke up on Valentine’s Day. Which, for me, pretty much means Valentine’s Day doom.

By mid-day, I seriously considered cancelling the whole thing. Seriously. I was going to call Cupid and tell him just where to stick his frickin’ arrows. Then I got off work early and I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe I could still pull it off. I picked up my little man, and Mr. L and I headed to a sweet little party put on by my great friend Heather. I was a bit worried, because I had to wake Mr. L up from his nap (the kid loves his naps) and he wasn’t in the best mood.

This is where I’m supposed to tell you what a wonderful time we had and how perfect my child is, and how well he plays with other kids. Except my child is nuts, and should only be allowed to play with other crazy children and wolves. I don’t know why I beat myself up – he’s a boy – he’s very active – he’s normal? I don’t know, but here I am – scolding my child to stop running, and stop jumping, and stop sticking his dirty fingers into the cupcakes, and to stop growling at these three perfectly behaved little girls – while their equally perfect moms most likely sat there silently thinking about what a crazy, bad mother I am. They were all super nice about it, but sometimes – whether it’s correct or just a feeling I have about myself – I feel like Mr. L and I just don’t fit in. Lately, I just feel like I don’t want to take my child anywhere because he doesn’t listen to me. Period.

Anyhow, I’m done having a pity party for myself. I am just putting this all out there because one day, some day (please, God, let it be soon) this behavior will stop. And I’m gonna miss this. So I’m gonna want to look back and read all about it. Right? Somebody tell me I’m right 🙂

I read constantly about other mothers with children like this. Some say it’s gets better. I try to do everything in my power to get him to listen to me. If you looked in my internet history, the amount of times I have Googled “how to raise a strong-willed child” would probably frighten you. I’m just scared that it’s never going to get better – that it will just keep getting worse and eventually, what if I stop caring? What if I just become one of those mothers who lets their child do and act however they want?

Maybe I’m just blowing it all out of proportion because my worst fear has always been to have one of “those children” you see acting a fool in public. Crying, screaming fits in public haunt me. Having my child scream the word “no” at me in public is horrifying. Maybe the problem isn’t him. Maybe the problem is me. Maybe I need to stop trying to change him, and just let him be who he is. A wild, active little boy who wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. A boy who likes to growl at other people.

Anyhow, back to Valentine’s Day. So we left the Valentine’s Day party. I cried on the way home because I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing as a mom. That’s a pretty big deal to me.

After we got home, my mom came over with Mr. L’s valentine. She ended up helping me straighten up my house (not as bad as what I thought it was) and I made the dinner I had planned. Pan-seared ribeye, shrimp scampi with pasta, stuffed crimini mushrooms, chocolate covered strawberries. It turned out delicious. Mr. L stood in his doorway and watched us eat even though he was supposed to be in bed. Not a total win, but I’m still calling it a win. I even impressed myself.
Maybe I’m not failing after all.

My lover’s gift to me? Well, that’s a whole other post. Let’s not go there right now. Let me just end this while thinking about my delicious dinner.

I hope you all had a perfect v-day.
Even though mine kind of bombed, I still love love and I’m still going to give it my all next year 🙂

xo, Jess.

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Desperate Woman (a post for women)

Okay ladies – all you fellas, skedaddle, please – I need your help.

It’s not what you’re thinking based on my lame title 🙂 I’m not desperately seeking a man or anything – unless you know one with a really cute butt – THEN I WILL TAKE HIM! 🙂

I am desperately seeking some advice. I need a new birth control. This is serious. Stop laughing.

My current one is working and everything – seeing as I’m not pregnant. However, my current one is making me nuts. It’s called TriNessa and it’s a triphasic birth control pill. Meaning there’s three different phases of pills in a pack, plus a week of pills with no active ingredients. Just in case you wanted to know. I googled it, duh. I wouldn’t be asking for help if I were some birth control genius.

I’ve been on TriNessa for about six months, and let’s just say – mama’s had her crazy pants on lately. The more and more I take it, the more I realize how much it has been affecting me. My mood (borderline depressed lately, no joke!), less energy, decreased sex drive – and now that I’ve read the possible effects, I think I can safely add migraines to this list. I have also gained about 15 pounds since I started taking this pill and weight loss seems extra difficult lately.

Birth control is about to kill my relationship – because there’s about seven days a month where I am definitely not ME. I feel very scary during those days. I want to punch my boyfriend in the face during those seven days – and well, I guess that’s not acceptable in most relationships. I know Mr. Manfriend loves me and all, but I think I’m pushing him way too far lately. He has been putting up with this raging biatch for too long. I have dumped him twice in the last 48 hours then called him crying, begging him to take me back. You can exit my blog now if I’m scaring you. I’m kind of scaring myself.

I talked to my doctor and she’s switching me to a birth control pill called Sprintec – but, I read all kinds of reviews and most users are complaining of the same problems! Now I’m so scared to switch, thinking that I might get worse. What happens if I go nuts and you all see me on an episode of Snapped or something? Any of you girls have some great birth control pill that I could suggest to my doctor? I really don’t want to spend like $75 per month on a pregnancy preventer, but I am willing to shell out some cash for a birth control pill if it leaves me and my mood alone!

I would really appreciate the advice – or if you’re sitting there shaking your head because you’ve been through something similar, I’d appreciate the encouragement.

If you’re just sitting there thinking, “this girl is a little too cray cray putting all her birth control business out there,” – please, keep your comments to yourself 🙂

xo, Jess.

P.S. Hurry! My boyfriend thinks hormones are fake so I don’t have much time!!

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Date Night

Ever had one of those nights that was going great then WHAM! It hits ya. You know the kind.

We started out at Elia’s for some Lebanese food. I digress from my whining for a moment, ohmygosh yum! Cute little place, super friendly staff, yummy fare. I had the chicken shawarma and he had the grill combo with shish tawook (chicken), kafta (beef), and shish kebab (steak). It was so good! I liked his best, specifically the shish kebab. That steak was melt in your mouth delicious. We also had an appetizer of baba ganoushe. I wish that would have been warm, that was my only complaint.

Anyhow…upward and onward, then we hit AMC for Gangster Squad. Best movie I have seen in a very long time. I completely loved it! Sean Penn and Ryan Gosling were fantastic. And I can’t deny that I have a tiny – okay, huge – girl crush on Emma Stone. That is one foxy redhead. Go see it. I urge you!

Then on the way to get Mr. L we start talking about the movie, then Mr. L, then about parenting. Woa, whoa, then we start arguing about parenting. Pretty soon we are yelling about parenting. Then silence.

Why must we ruin every single nice evening we have?
It was a great night. Minus the parenting argument.
Now he’s been in the bathroom for 20 minutes and I’m sitting here eating leftover chicken shawarma.
I win.

Xo, Jess.

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How do YOU fight it out?

Okay, so many of you know me – and maybe we’re friends in real life, or maybe we’re just Facebook buds because we like to “stalk” eachother. Face it, if we’re friends on Facebook and we’ve never really talked in real life, I am probably “stalking” you. I digress… as I said, many of you know me, but maybe a few you don’t know me at all.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.
I am Jessica and I am an over-sharer. Did you know that I am an over-sharer? Well I am, 🙂 but you mustn’t tell anyone else.

In real life, I have a handful of close friends. They are awesome and we all like to talk. Sometimes we talk about things (possibly in public) that most people would cover their ears overhearing. My sheshallremainnameless co-worker and I have probably over-shared way too much about ourselves in the past almost-two-years. Sorry blog readers, I won’t divulge all the good stuff yet.

Anyhow – back to the question – today I want you to share something with me. Yes, I have a question for YOU. I want to know how you fight with your boyfriend husband wife girlfriend friend-with-benefits other half significant other? And how often?

Are you constantly arguing? Never arguing? Do you fight quietly after the kids have gone to bed, or is it a public battle? Do you throw things at them? 🙂 Or maybe you’re better quieter than me and you know how to just keep your mouth shut?

If you’re friends with me on Facebook, I know I can be somewhat cryptic. I know I have been somewhat cryptic lately because my relationship has been a little … strained. I don’t like to come right out and talk about my personal relationship, therefore, everyone I talk about in this blog must remain nameless. So yeah… things have been a little strained the past few days and we haven’t come right out and argued about it yet. Maybe we never will. Usually the arguing over here consists of a bunch of some yelling, some ignoring, some apologizing and then it’s over. It’s usually over dumb, petty things and sometimes the argument actually makes things even better than they were to begin with. Maybe most of our arguments are healthy? HAHA!

This time – wayyyy different. It’s been a lot of passive-aggressive comments (and let me tell you, I am the queen of passive-aggressive) and lots of saying, “okay then.” It’s not as heated and it’s lasting a lot longer, and it’s driving me nuts. It’s to the point where I don’t even know what we’re arguing about. Does that happen to anyone else? Usually when I’ve done something wrong, which is never hardly ever, I like to hold out on apologizing until I can’t remember what I did wrong, and then I just give him one of those “general apologies.” One of those, “I’m sorry I’m such a bitch grouch this week,” apologies. Yeah, you know the one. Maybe I should have put “learn how to give a good apology” on my resolution list.

Anyway, I think it’s because there has been a lot going on lately (see ya next year, holidays!) and we haven’t had as much time together. It’s weird, but we fight more when we’re apart. I can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but if we fight less when we’re together than I’d vote that it’s a good thing. We usually only fight when we’re together if he’s been in the bathroom longer than 20 minutes or if he refuses to let me change the channel when he’s been glued to his iPad for the past half hour. You don’t get both the TV and the iPad, buddy.

Fingers are crossed that everything will be back to the normal by next week. What can I say, I’m a sucker for routine.

Oh my goodness, I’m doing too much over-sharing. Sorry for spilling my “I just admitted I don’t have the perfect relationship” post on ya! I will have to watch what I share from now on. Before I scare everyone my manfriend away.

So there’s my question to you … how do you guys argue? Am I the only weird one who forgets what they’re fighting about by the time they apologize? Please – anyone – tell me I’m normal.

xo, Jess.

{moment of honesty} I let my toddler play on the iPad while I wrote this post. If you’re judging me right now, I have a slightly smaller (down 4 lbs in 2 days!) booty that you can kiss.

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